E.G. (elainegrey) wrote,

Mental Health (depression, critter watch, cats)

So midafternoon, working in the yard today, i was overcome with a sense of despair. So much to do, so out of time, energy.

Showering later, i wondered if the despair was triggered by >> fear << as i used the flame thrower to kill weeds. Yesterday's rain wasn't nearly enough to be protective, and the air was blissfully dry (and breezy). The morning dew was past (except in the orchard, which would have been still too wet too mow), and i worried. I had had such ambitions on Saturday, but now nothing seemed safe.

Fear? Or just sensible apprehension of risk? I dunno.

--== ∞ ==--

A white cat with a black tail was at the back of the orchard this morning when i tried calling Marlowe in for breakfast. I called to them, and they slowly walked off into the woods, Marlowe standing on her hind legs watching them leave. Moments later i heard a deer snort in surprise, and then a little later, another snort. Christine has named the cat Ghost, and we've now set out food. I wonder if it was just walking through.

Later in the afternoon, a deer galloped through the yard. I don't think it saw me: it was out in the brilliant sun and i was in the deep shadow on the north side of the house. Rutting season already?

--== ∞ ==--

I recently read a column in the NY Times about mental illness. The author had been recently diagnosed with adult ADHD, so i clicked the link to the list of symptoms in women.

I was... surprised... at how familiar they were.

Me: WTF Buttercup, i read https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-in-women/ and think -- these are symptoms? I thought this was life?

Sister: Uhhhhhhhh… all of us. Did I tell you about my talk with E-- (RE:adhd). I think mom, you, [brother], and me all have it!

I continue surprised. (Also, i really don't know how to parse my sister's response, exactly.)

I have pondered that i might have a little dyslexia: left vs right and number and letter order have been challenges. At one point i read a little about what a diagnosis would mean. Ah, learning to cope. Which i have. Here, all the advice for adults with inattentive ADHD sounds like familiar things i have tried and try with respect to time management.

I don't know that a label will help me. But it was surprising to read these aren't normal.

It does bring to mind the moment i realized that most people _don't_ have thoughts of ...it isn't what some people think of as suicide, but it's a type of thinking about death more like suicide than not.

• Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes: this is a curious one for me. There are many details i notice. And i create huge infrastructures to try and make sure i don't miss important details.

• Often has difficulty sustaining attention: nope. Except, i sure can go off on tangents.

• Often does not seem to listen when spoken to: Certainly my parents accused me of this

• Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish projects: so many unfinished projects. Work and here. I am lucky i have fallen into a role where this isn't a significant issue.

• Often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities: i work hard to be organized

• Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort: um, so not me.

• Often loses things necessary for tasks or activities: like leaving a shovel at the end of one row and then looking all through the garage for it ten minutes later?

• Is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli: i think i can wall out the world when i am doing something like writing or reading.

• Is often forgetful in daily activities: yes, hence SO MANY LISTS.
This is also posted at https://elainegrey.dreamwidth.org/871740.html .
Tags: cats, critter watch, depression

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