SO we talked about the insight that i shared two weeks ago: that the reason i rejected the suggestion that i might be a "people pleaser" is because my mother made it clear that i was not. My therapist and i spent maybe a third of the time talking about people-pleasing topics, with first pass conclusion that when i want to be people pleasing it's reasonable and healthy.
Then we talked about the corollary, as it were, which is my internal messaging that i am selfish, and don't care about others, and indulgent. These messages are also tied with some depression bits.
I recognized i try to rationally defend myself against the accusations, which fails because the accusations and judgements aren't rational (and my mother's pronouncements probably had very little to do with me). I generally feel i'm rationalizing, and don't escape the criticism. I survive by distracting myself.
I resolved to reject the thoughts, but something was wrong with that. I spent time talking to Christine as we drove into Chapel Hill to pick up (indulgence) Chinese food, and realized that i shouldn't reject them either. I should, as all the meditation and mindfulness advice intones, observe and let it go.
I asserted that not giving credit to these thoughts would be hard, and my therapist challenged that. I heard the wisdom of her challenge, the desire to keep the thought it will be hard is so large. There's a weird fear of what not being judgemental will be like (spending all this energy on judgemental thoughts gives you an excuse for not getting things done).
I don't know how long i will inflict the judgemental thoughts, parenthetically, on you all.
I'm exhausted, and my head hurts, but i'm better than i was a few hours ago.