E.G. (elainegrey) wrote,

(body therapy, therapy notes, judgyjudgyjudgy)

Fixed the link - 2021-09-08 19:46

SO we talked about the insight that i shared two weeks ago: that the reason i rejected the suggestion that i might be a "people pleaser" is because my mother made it clear that i was not. My therapist and i spent maybe a third of the time talking about people-pleasing topics, with first pass conclusion that when i want to be people pleasing it's reasonable and healthy.

Then we talked about the corollary, as it were, which is my internal messaging that i am selfish, and don't care about others, and indulgent. These messages are also tied with some depression bits.

I recognized i try to rationally defend myself against the accusations, which fails because the accusations and judgements aren't rational (and my mother's pronouncements probably had very little to do with me). I generally feel i'm rationalizing, and don't escape the criticism. I survive by distracting myself.

I resolved to reject the thoughts, but something was wrong with that. I spent time talking to Christine as we drove into Chapel Hill to pick up (indulgence) Chinese food, and realized that i shouldn't reject them either. I should, as all the meditation and mindfulness advice intones, observe and let it go.

I asserted that not giving credit to these thoughts would be hard, and my therapist challenged that. I heard the wisdom of her challenge, the desire to keep the thought it will be hard is so large. There's a weird fear of what not being judgemental will be like (spending all this energy on judgemental thoughts gives you an excuse for not getting things done).

I don't know how long i will inflict the judgemental thoughts, parenthetically, on you all.

I'm exhausted, and my head hurts, but i'm better than i was a few hours ago.
This is also posted at https://elainegrey.dreamwidth.org/867025.html .
Tags: body therapy, judgyjudgyjudgy, therapy notes

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