E.G. (elainegrey) wrote,

(cooking, 354, health, mom and caa, f&f)

This morning, i do the math and try to tell my watch, "Set a reminder for 7:23." (I've slept in! Take that sinus pain!) Nope, i'm too slow. It hears "Set a reminder" and asks me what about. Second try, remembering not to talk slow like the southerner i am, but pick it up. I think of the speakers of English on the Indian subcontinent and how large a market that is. "Set a reminder for 7:23," i rush out. "I'll set your reminder," the watch says, and shows me the text, "Set a."

Well, at least that will keep me from oversteeping my tea.

Except i think i absentmindedly added a second measure of tea to the pot, and it was a little too strong still. I'm working my way through a large bag of "New England Holiday Chai with Vanilla," which presumably has Indian black tea. I find Indian blacks far more tannic than Chinese blacks, and can't wait to have Keemun back in rotation. The alternative tea is a Columbian tea with cocoa nibs: it too is more tannic than the Keemun.

I feel incredibly unmotivated and while i suspect the onset of heat and humidity to be part of it , i think i'm sick.

In my mother's decline, the doctor talked with her and dad about her advanced directives, advised them, and then gave them a "Do Not Resuscitate" order. Dad called me after he got home, and we talked. I am thankful for this, Dad was -- in shock, i guess. He pointed out he'd jump into a raging river to rescue her, risk his life, and this was very hard for him. He was also a little muddled in understanding what the doctor told him, and i didn't know how muddled until reading Medline's article on DNRs. Given his muddle - he understood it was only in case of a cardiac or pulmonary problems (when it is specifically about not receiving CPR) -- and Mom doesn't have cardiac issues, i gently led him to think about what the decline path of CAA will look like, and he saw that perhaps a sudden death will be "a blessing." On the other hand, either is Mom's death, and he is in such pain at the thought of it.

My sister will, i think, take this hard, too. As of last night, she wrote, "I talked to [Dad] briefly but want to hear more. He told me that [the doctor] urged them to complete a DNR. I know that had to be very hard for him—I’m glad you talked to him." So the communication isn't complete. My sister has a bond with Mom as mother that i don't. I can bring up self-pity grief about Mom and I. Seeing Mom released of her anxiety and the sweetness and love that comes through, I grieve for what might have been. But grief over loosing my mother? I started that process years ago. I'm not expecting Mom's death to trigger a new sense of loss. But for my sister it certainly will.

I could be wrong. But i think back on months and months of crying (and tears come now) -- that was grief of loss over something i never had. What i expect i will feel is what i felt yesterday, a grief for the pain my father and sister are going to experience. Sympathy for their pain. Witnessing.

I'm not sure how my brother will handle Mom's death. He was very close to her growing up, but as he entered the world, he reinterpreted his childhood and has come down heavily on respecting my father and being critical of my mother. Then, with my mother's continued bad behavior over his wife's religion and "diagnosing" his sons, anger piled on anger. My brother's self awareness and mental health is a puzzle to me. It seems as if he has a detached understanding that he's got some issues but he's apparently got the energy to just keep functioning.

I feel like i almost burnt out in graduate school, and i've been jealous of my reserves since then. Ambition at work? Not worth it. Find balance, nurture the whole self. I don't understand where he's getting his energy to keep functioning. I assume it's being a parent. I can't imagine having the reserves it takes to be a parent, and i assume there's some biological trigger that must tap something MORE. The medical issues he's accumulated underscore the physical toll. Me, i whine about all the autoimmune issues. My brother has spinal damage and diabetes.

Anyhow, yay for taking a few days off before hosting the whole family here. The internet is very divided over freezing tres leches cake. Maybe the kids will eat it all. I am using a yellow cake mix because i do not do much scratch baking with flour. Instead of just mixing in the eggs, though, i will whip the whites, then fold in well beaten yolks, then fold in the mix. I believe that will technically make it a chiffon or chiffon adjacent cake: more like a sponge cake than without the whipped egg.
This is also posted at https://elainegrey.dreamwidth.org/855855.html .
Tags: 354, cooking, f&f, health, mom and caa

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