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I had a pretty significant breakthrough (i think) in therapy on Tuesday. We were going to talk about prioritization and procrastination, and i shared a little about graduate school. Another person and i were, in theory, supporting one another in each finishing up, but when the other finished they were not very supportive of me. Moving on and away is fine, but when they were back in town and i didn't want to stop working because i was making progress, they pitched a fit. That led me to reflect on some other people where i've had to set boundaries, and not really connecting to anyone at meeting, and i was teary. For a while, my therapist steered a path under the assumption that the tears were because i was lonely. But i'm not, and when she asked why the tears i realized i still have the deep deep messages from Mom, where she told me i didn't know how to care or love etc.
I think i have been carrying a weight, a Martha Stewart image of what friendships should be, or a TV show image, that i feel i should be performing along with great shame from all Mom's messages. I'm not sure what it's going to look like to set that down, but my Quaker relationships are getting a big side-eye.
There's these threads of desire to care for and be cared for, twining vines, but some are rooted in should and shame while others in authenticity. The shame is, i think, what makes it hard to distinguish between authentic wants and the shoulds. I don't want to be ashamed. And it's not like the shoulds are driving me towards anything that independently seems problematic. It's more that the shoulds are draining my energy from attending to the true heart callings. I haven't done photography in ages....
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Anyhow, in the ache from that session on Tuesday, i found myself avoiding EVERYTHING and picking up The Fellowship of the Ring to read. We'd watched all three extended edition movies over the holiday weekend and i realized i didn't know what was movie and what was original any more.
And, WOW, did the tone of some of the characters change! Jackson's portrayal of the Hobbits really starts Merry and Pippin off as far less responsible and mature than they were. I imagine this is give room for more obvious character development, but - meh. I can see the "dramatization" argument, the "show not tell," -- for the conspiracy of Frodo's friends to keep him from going off into exile alone is something that the reader finds out when Frodo is told about it. Anyhow, i'm glad i'm rereading to tweak cannon back into alignmnet