My therapist has encouraged me to believe that most of my angst around my feelings about Meeting are because i frame it as criticism of my self. And there are parts of that: i have committed to the community as a member -- although i don't know that my meeting understands membership in the same way FGC-type Quaker Meetings do. And because i have committed, i want to follow through.
There was drama this weekend when the Recording clerk, who resigned, and then unresigned when i shared that i was uncertain whether i was the right clerk for Meeting. She and i will talk Thursday.
In some way, the thought that Meeting could release me is very relieving. I had met with a few people last Thursday and felt that our conversation and discussion together helped me get clarity on the very thing that then sent the recording clerk off the rails. Well, triggered it.
I have a suspicion she has been carrying some anger or other emotional baggage for months. Maybe her baggage has nothing to do with me, but i think it does. I ponder whether there's a dynamic that Christine's had to wrestle with (and ultimately gave up on): that because of aging a small cohort need to let go of some control but they aren't ready to do so. I suspect that the recording clerks' husband has aged to the point that some things may be a challenge -- i certainly haven't had a chance to communicate with him alone since becoming clerk, she has always put herself in the middle of all communication.
Anyhow, that all is sucking the joy out of me.
Not that i'm good at joy.
Meanwhile, Edward is getting better, YAY, and the messes are finally receding. Maybe we can start reducing litter boxes.
The drain flies also finally seem to be reducing - the change in weather may have something to do with that?
The abrupt change in weather has helped me make progress outside. I need to call to see about some service for the wheeled string trimmer -- i think i've managed to break it, pulling the spindle out of alignment and shocking the system so that bolts broke loose. I hope i can find a place that can repair; i don't know if the warranty will cover it. But at least it's stuck in the most useful - low - setting.
Edward is picking on Luigi; Marlowe chases Edward. The feline discord is not helping the household, particularly given the early hour of some of the cat fights.
I have taken time off work in the afternoon to work in the yard. Saturday i cleared some of the garden, addressing the potato beds that were buried under the stilt grass. I did find some edible potatoes, probably as much as i put in, so i only lost labor, and the labor was just as much about getting organic matter - straw - into the clay.
I do think the soil is coming along. I did buy feather meal as a nitrogen amendment, bone meal for phosphorus (which the soil has little of), and then have some potassium sulfate i've not used from previous years.
I have finally put together my Swiss hoe -- oh sweet power and joy, it just cuts into the clay like it's butter. I tried watching youtube videos with people demonstrating hoes in clay, but everyone looked like they had LOVELY crumbly loam for their demonstrations. I'm going to try putting tomatoes and peppers in the driveway circle next year and will need to break the ground. I'm also vowing no potatoes and to dig up all the ground cherries that will be volunteering and move them to somewhere else. As complete a rest from solanaceae as i can manage for the garden.
My sister rented a house (condo?) at the beach that is handicapped accessible and came with a beach wheel chair. Mom had resisted going to the beach but they've stayed down there for days now. As i joked, they might be growing to appreciate a properly outfitted bathroom. Mom & Dad looke wonderfully relaxed. I am so thankful for my sister and her husband providing them such an escape.
I did spend some hours on Sunday afternoon just sitting in the backyard with Christine, delighting in the cool air, the dappled sunlight, the cats and Carrie joining us in the yard and exploring. I may be frustrated with weeds and bug eaten plants, but there is a lushness and a park-like feeling under the tall pines and tulip poplars that is wonderfully relaxing. I loved camping in California, but our backyard here is just as delightful. Someday i hope to pick up the camera again, or maybe it will be drone footage, but i'm not feeling the need to get away. I want to get some paths cut so we can wander more of our little bit of the world -- so much adventure right here.