||[Jan. 2nd, 2019|06:44 am]
I wrote this email to my siblings, father, and aunt last night to celebrate the conversations i had with my Mom. I'd already called my sister and father, and i expected that, if my aunt had been paying attention, she too would have had noticed the improvement. OK, yes, that is a bit of a poke at my aunt. She's in a very bustling state, wanting to do everything and anything to help her sister get better. We all appreciate the motivation but in some ways she's running ahead of what we know.
This is mainly to keep N--- [my brother] in the loop -- Mom has made huge jumps in the past few days with her verbal skills. I had a long conversation with her today. I still need to repeat back to her to make sure i understand, and sometimes i don't get it right the first time. But still, i could understand her and she felt understood.
We talked about her worries about the next step in her rehabilitation -- she worries going home won't help her recover as much as somewhere else. I shared the results of the study i read where Duke University researchers found rehab from home was as effective as at a place with fancy equipment. We'll need to make sure she hears the options she has for rehab and make sure we get clear statements about effectiveness tomorrow.
She also talked some about her worries and her experience. She can read but not fluently -- it's hard. I get the sense that there's dyslexia-like issues where the letters are hard. She talked about her worries about her right leg, "it's asleep," but she said her right hand is getting better.
It was so much easier to understand what she wanted, and i think she's able to recognize her needs earlier now.
I didn't write about her anger, frustration, and distrust but mentioned it to my sister and father, Her emotions hit me pretty hard, in part because they are old-pattern emotions, a bitterness she carried throughout much of her life. I had noted their absence over the past year as the cognitive decline seemed to settle in, and actually thought it was a blessing. Whatever was fading was taking that bitterness, too, and giving her a peace i had never seen her have. I hope that while it's old pattern emotions, that they are new -- frustrations with the immediate issues of communication and recovery -- and not the rut of blaming my father for everything that makes her unhappy. There were references to my father, and i couldn't tell if Mom was critiquing what Dad had said, or what a doctor had said to my mother.
I imagine my Dad may have been projecting a rosy future picture to my mother, and mom felt he was choosing things easier for him than the choice that would help her improve best herself.
We talked a little about her decline before the stroke and before the Transient Focal Neurological Episodes. She recognizes that things were wrong before, and i shared how she seems more present now than she did right after Thanksgiving. I didn't quite share what i have said to my father and sister, which is that i thought she had given up, and now she seems willing to fight to gain back her capabilities.
--== ∞ ==--
I sobbed when i got home, Christine suggests it was relief. And that is probably much of it, although knowing more from Mom about her angers and frustrations does make that a bit more real.
I am also anxious about the training today. I think my worries are
1) wondering if there are too many of us taking the training,
2) and the corollary of my aunt's presence in the dynamics of the discussions with the doctor.
3) Will the training anticipate all of our questions and needs? The care has been proactive so far, educating us, without us needed to fight and advocate.
4) Will we recognize what we need to know that is not covered?
5) What sort of care and coaching will Mom need 24/7? Will my sister and i be able to work from my folk's house and actually work while meeting needs?
All to unfold, and much to be answered today.