E.G. (elainegrey) wrote,

New boss this week -- someone i managed back when i was managing. My previous manager is a director. He ended up with too many direct reports and so he has taken all his architects and put one architect as an architect manager. I'm sure the burnt-out management abilities i evinced in 2014 have taken me off a list of "able to manage people." I have a little ache that that competency is assumed not to exist due to my poor execution during a period of extreme externalities, but that's pride, not desire. I am happy to be passed over for the management gig, even for such an easy management gig. Four years away from the management position, i still remember the huge weight lifting.

So my new manager, manager G, is someone i mentored a bit. He's got a really formal way of writing and speaking that i've avoided -- mainly because i don't think it helps in communicating with non-specialists. I believe he has a desire to Move On Up. I just hope i am left to thrive on my own and not Coached or Managed. Given the uncertainty, i've a little edgy feeling there.

--== ∞ ==--

I have had a couple cognitive breakthroughs this week. One is partly informed by reading about placebos and the (apparent) biochemistry behind them. I'm not sure whether the article came out and said this, but i was struck by the potential availability of an enhancement for healing with my current therapies. Why not try to use the placebo effect while making use of "regular" medicines? So, i'm trying to think about why i am taking my various meds when i do so, rather than thinking of them as tasks i have do do. I don't know if anything will heal faster or better, but i think i will get a little positive boost from the task compared to my current mindset of, "Yet another thing i have to do, sigh, what a drag."

The more i can reframe as not a drag or a pain, the more i will feel i am living with delight.

And so another insight was just how tightly i hold on to negative while less consciously i do celebrate the more positive experiences. Since giving up the SSRI i have felt "negative" feelings more clearly. It's something i appreciate as they are authentic feelings, but i have wondered where the authentic "ups" were. My therapist and i talked this past Wednesday about how overshadowed the trip to get apple trees and the Halloween outing were by the stress of the uncertainty about under the house critters and the gloomy rainy weather. And we went around it a bit -- i framed it as i had a bad habit, i can't change, she challenged me on that (gently) -- and then i realized just how much i had enjoyed the Halloween outing and the little road trip. I AM enjoying things that i don't think i was really enjoying before. The word enthusiasm came to mind: i have shared with others, with enthusiasm, even if i have been blind to it.

The "ups" ARE part of my life. I AM feeling them. And as i acknowledged that i was overwhelmed by a feeling that is, i guess, awe: intense appreciation for this change. Maybe having this conscious and visceral experience will help me remember to balance how i perceive things in the moment. Monday, for example, was gloomy and dark -- like today. Monday, though, it felt like it would ALWAYS be gloomy. Gloom season is here. Darkness! Today i keep reminding myself how lovely Wednesday was, how even in the low light the saucer magnolia and the crepe myrtle have leaves that glow with autumn colors.

Tags: be happy, delight, depression, happy, joy, self-care, work

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