E.G. (elainegrey) wrote,

The week has flown by.

There's a data snarl at work. On Wednesday i was just sure i had screwed up significantly: our authorization system gets data from a very old back end system through a new system that will replace it eventually. There are identifiers, and i was getting inconsistent answers about some of the qualities of the identifiers. Plus, there are colloquial names for identifiers that are overloaded. The old system has three identifiers for the replicated data object types. One of those identifiers is generally understood to be unique and always present for the replicated data objects. The new system allows new objects to have an identifier with the same name, but does not require it nor doe the system guarantee uniqueness. The owner of the new system is making statements about the identifiers based on all objects (thus the particular identifier is not required and not unique). However, i *think* in the class of objects we care about, it is unique and always present.

Anyhow, i feel very guilty about being less obsequious in my email tone and thus pushing people into defensive postures.

Meanwhile, Christine listened to all of the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing from Christine Blasey Ford and Brett Kavanaugh. She was very moved and distressed. I watched the PBS News Hours reporting. Earlier in the week, right after I'd read about the sentencing of Bill Crosby, Christine and i talked a little about the current zeitgeist. I found myself having several responses. First, i found i had an emotional undercurrent of distress.

I've not had a traumatic event that i remember. There is one event where i don't recall what happened due to alcohol, and that worried me enough that i never got in a similar situation again. There are a relationships where i wasn't respected: i don't feel traumatized by them, but i know the lack of respect was wrong. I also have a strong memory of believing that there was no other way for dating relationships to be and the delight and awe i had when i entered into a respectful relationship. I've also had a few encounters with predatory types, that fortunately were at the edges of my career path and not in my way.

The undercurrent of distress surprised me; part of it is realizing the level of internalized patriarchy. Shifting my perspective out of acceptance of status quo to looking critically at my past and the frames that sex and relationships had in my lifetime is distressing.

I have a hard time articulating what those frames were now: not because i can't remember, but because the rules and expectations were so lopsided and unjust and unfair, that when i start to put words to them it's either terrible or weaselly. A ghostly, matronly voice starts sentences with "Nice girls do not...", and clutches her pearls. Standing in the isle of the band bus and trying to decide where to sit. The reality of desire. The reality of innocence. The swirl of rock and roll, media portrayals, creating narratives of what is normal.

Then there's the hypocrisy of our laws. We define assault as criminal. And yet, sexual and non-sexual assaults (specifically, i have "battery" in mind, see below) are selectively enforced. My impression is that bullying and "turf protection" -- beating up the stranger -- are generally not dealt with criminally. An assault charge, like brought against Representative Rand Paul's neighbor, i suspect is more rare than actual assault. If assault laws are selectively enforced based on privileged and power, sexual assault -- which is generally across a boundary of privilege and power -- are even more so.

So we have had this schizophrenic situation of criminal actions also being "acceptable" actions (given the right context of a party and alcohol, or various prerequisites).

And now there seems to be change. And it seems so fragile and so strong. And i fear backlash beyond the current executive branch.

The hypocrisy of assault (threat) and battery (actual impact) becomes more clear as i think about hitting, slapping, punching and the attitudes associated with them. Undercurrents of power and privilege and patriarchy ("toxic masculinity") swirl around. My brother's arm was broken by bullies when he was young: learn to fight back is what he's teaching his kids (with possibly a hit first, undercurrent). I know my dad was in rough crowds as a teen and young man, and i'm pretty sure he's been beat up. (His conclusions were different than my brother's, interestingly.) Did being the victim of violence affect them? Yes, i see it and see the propagation.

Hypocrisy might not be the right word. But it's close.

In other topics....

OK, didn't the government create some health record portability thing? And so there should be some easy digital transfer of records? So why is the California provider charging to send "up to 150 pages or three years worth" of records to my new doctor. SIDE-EYE.

Have to go for a follow up mammogram because there is an artifact on the scans done last Friday. Hmph. I consciously believe this is nothing to worry about, but worry my subconscious will decide to worry. I'd forgotten i had had the scans done, i was so unconcerned that there would be any result of any concern. I'd like to sustain that level of equanimity. I suppose i'll simply worry after this scan that there would still be artifact and i'd have to go back a third time.

At least i'm going to the country hospital in the middle of no
where. It's so small and there are so few people at the hospital, it feels luxurious to park so easily and be seen with so little fuss.

Tags: morning writing

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