E.G. (elainegrey) wrote,

Not a great Monday, hoping for a better Tuesday

Christine is overwhelmed by care concerns for Greycie, a stack of triggers from Edward finding a copperhead snake yesterday while she was home alone, carrying out an execution (snake), and the so called elephant in the room. Caring for her early morning overwhelm had me running late to work, and it carried well into the workday.

If you are curious about the snake, it's documented at iNaturalist in its dead state. I now have motivation to get the shovels sharpened. And possibly buy a wide hoe (maybe from https://roguehoe.com/large-hoe/). Christine didn't choose the hoe because it would require too much precision.

Which reminds me that i was lawn mower shopping, some time of which was wasted due to me thinking i should be able to find max mowing heights of 6 inches. Frittered time on that.

Saturday i dug up about ten feet of potatoes. It's hard to decided how productive types were because of the wet, cold spring and my too-deep potato trenches. As i dug, i mixed in biochar from one layer of covering spuds, not seeing any evidence of the stilt grass straw i buried. Both earthworms and the predatory worm snakes (Carphophis amoenus) turned up: i don't think i injured any (especially as i was being careful not to injure the russets and purple potatoes).

Sunday evening, while Christine was stiff with coping with snake trauma, we hosted my brothers family at a Durham Bulls game. We indulged in great seats, and the home team provided drama with a come-from-behind win at the end. I made an attempt at scoring the game, partly to demonstrate the fading art to the kids. In the end, the youngest just wanted to draw in my iPad notebook. (This was not a disappointing result: she's a handful and the game was not going to be sufficient entertainment). I found that baseball terminology came back to me in a jumbled mess, as i really haven't been attentive since years ago in Philly. It was Princess night, so that also entertained the youngest. The boys seemed moderately entertained. I actually exchanged some words with the eldest, Z, who has transformed in the past year from boy to young man as he hit his teens. He rises to high school this fall.

Z noted that this was one of the few city things they had done in North Carolina, that usually it's all country stuff (fishing and hanging out at our rural homes). An ah-ha moment, as i recognized he was right and reflected that other entertainments were available. I mentioned this to my brother, who commented that they are city kids and ought to enjoy the country while they had the chance. Another ah-ha moment: when my brother brings his family to NC he is inflicting his sensibilities on them, and thus the rest of them, wife M and the three kids, are bored to death. Well. I think my sister and i will try to address that over the next few years. It doesn't have to be an either-or, but i think there can be some excursions the kids and M find pleasant.

This morning i'm feeling a little more balanced. It's the last week of taking any Sertraline in my very long taper started in April. I'm definitely feeling more with it out of my system. I need to learn to manage my emotions again, now that they aren't managed for me. I'm sensitive to Christine's moods in a way i haven't been. The elephant crisis began about the same time my work situation began to improve. As i recovered from the burnout and stress, she went to a very dark place. After these years, i can no longer call this a crisis. A check of formal definitions notes that a crisis is unexpected, creates uncertainty, is seen as a threat, and requires transformation. We have gone through those states, and now i'd say we are in a slow transformation as Christine does the work to manage the elephant. For me, then, it is time for me to put aside the emotional crutch and see about living more fully.

On Sunday morning at Meeting, i had a wave of positive emotion wash over me. Right now relief is washing through me as i remember. I may regain the emotional conduit to insight that i have had in the past. It's good to have that indication to hold on to, as the other feelings i have felt strongly since the taper began have been anger and grief and second-hand distress.

Tags: elephant, f&f, morning writing

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