||[Feb. 20th, 2018|07:08 am]
I'm trying to come out of a turned inward paralysis phase. I think i'm beginning to recognize a sort of pattern of behavior with a variety of habits dropped and a resistance to interacting with others. There's a procrastination/paralysis mind set: a noise of "must do mumble, don't wanna do mumble, let me distract myself" where the actual avoided activity is not clear. It's vague and all encompassing, so the usual advice of "small steps" and teasing out what i am afraid of is a challenge.
I made myself go to Meeting for Business and Worship on Sunday.
I'm trying to resurrect my todo list from a week of just throwing things on, resurrect a few self care habits.... it's harder because 2017 was marked by not doing these things and i was finally feeling the opening that getting back to the habits creates when i slipped.
I recognize this pattern as "depression" and "procrastination" but i think i'm going to start calling it the paralysis pattern. That sort of unloads the history and baggage.
February's not a great month in general, and it's been more grey than i've seen in years. (NC drought followed CA drought.) While i appreciate the beauty of "dreary" days, the boost of energy is missing. Finally, Christine's therapists said to her that the people she saw who had the "crud" in January are suffering a low energy period now, so there's that, as well.
So writing this is moving through the paralysis. A step.