E.G. (elainegrey) wrote,


MONDAY: I'm looking at the YOLO (You Only Login Once) specification and workgroup and my physical sense changes. My solar (celiac) plexus feels uncomfortable. My temples are tense. I feel like i should cry. I first label this "the blues", but stop. In looking up the labels for the locations of the sensations, i find pages of ways to relieve stress. Oh. Stress. I move my bun lower to the nape of my neck, hoping that might release some stress at my temples. I realize i am also tightening my jaw. I am wearing my correct pair of glasses, so that's not it. I lean back in the chair.

I run through incoming email, still stress. [Christine came home. I feel better knowing she's back from the trip and the elephants that stampeded after her.]

AT THE GROCERY STORE: let's take two sugar cookies, sandwich a layer of icing, and then roll the edges in blue & white sprinkles for being Jewish. We'll just label them "holiday cookies."

At least it wasn't for Passover.

MONDAY EVENING: At the grocery store we start in the produce then continue through the bakery & deli, filled with me telling myself "no." No, i don't need fancy olives. No, i don't need fancy cheeses. No, i don't need cookies with icing. No, i don't need crusty loaves of bread. When i feel the feelings i've been calling "blues" i realize it's the same physical manifestation as the stress earlier in the day. Why am i stressed?

Ah-ha! In the California grocery store the olives, bread, cheese, etc was all at the end of the grocery trip. I didn't spend the whole experience with my inner six year old whining and me trying to figure out how to give her a non-indulgent treat. (Because wtf is a nonindulgent treat?)

I've puzzled why this grocery store triggered such a negative response in me since i moved here: now i know. And it's something that's easily managed -- just return to the produce/deli/bakery/fish at the end of the shopping trip.

It's really odd to realize that i've been labeling a certain physical reaction "blues" because it seemed crying would be the natural release of the sensation, and then recognize it as stress. I wonder how significant a shift in perception this will be.

Tags: depression

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