E.G. (elainegrey) wrote,

So, what is going on with me:

1) Lingering sinus headaches and a feeling of tiredness. Depression? Maybe. I woke a little before 4 am this morning feeling more mentally clear than i have for a while, though.

2) I've been taking a "Be Happy" course-ette sponsored by my health plan. The presenter is a experimentalist who does studies about happiness: http://sonjalyubomirsky.com/ I find it interesting that happiness is not defined in the course, ever. Some of the practices resonate with practices i've already found, however, so it's been reinforcing in that way.

I've found a few concepts that are useful: Hedonic adaption is a term to describe a drive that pulls our emotions back to an individual's usual level. It's useful, because it's easy for us to describe the things that lift or depress our mood -- but the thing that counteracts those external stimulii, what is it? There's a name at least.

The psychologist's definition of forgiveness was interesting as well. It's not, she said, reconciliation, but about releasing a feelings of revenge or avoidance. The avoidance part was hard for me to frame, since the few people i may need to work on forgiving aren't people with whom i interact frequently. One person, in particular, came to mind because there was a possibility i might see her a few weeks ago. What to do? I wasn't going to approach her, that i was clear on -- but i guess that's not avoiding. And i wouldn't have run away from her (and more than i just run away from a crowded situation, anyhow).

3) I've been using a tool called moodscope for well over a year. I found myself wondering why it doesn't probe my negative thoughts, those little messages like "you're stupid," "you're a bum" that push me towards depression. It finally dawned on me that i should be using the question of how ashamed or guilty i feel to measure those feelings. I suppose it's a good sign that when i use the moodscope application (it's a virtual experience of choosing on a scale of 0-3 by flipping a card around) i have been able to say "i'm not at all guilty" most of the time because i objectively know i haven't done something wrong - even when i have that inner critic saying things like, "You're just goofing off - you're not really sick."

I'm going to create a new account on my birthday and begin again with the tool. I think I need a reset.

4) I realized as i was trying to fall back asleep that i am stretching myself in two places at work, at meeting, and two places at home. At work, i am involved in two conceptual designs for metadata. I realized just how much i am avoiding my feelings about these two projects because there's both exhilaration and a whole swirl of insecurity and fear. At Meeting, we're reconstructing the structure of the community, the committees that structure how we interact. Insecurity! At home, i have had a to-do to request permission to collect plants on BLM land, and to submit photos to two different gallery calls. Insecurity! Fear!

I am NOT going to question whether i haven't really been sick, just caught up in insecurity and fear. That's not productive

And i suppose recognizing the fear and insecurity for what it is means i can be more compassionate with myself instead of chasing myself in circles as i try to approach and avoid at the same time.

--== ∞ ==--

Looking back at what i was writing last -- the lot in Pittsboro became far less attractive when it turned out it was brick veneer over a "log cabin" -- and not one of those 1970's log cabins, either.

Christine was trampled a few days more, but she's been doing much better since. She's composing music for her sister's documentary film as well as working on a book review, and the Hyundai is back for sale. The truck & the DMV are almost all sorted.

I've sprinkled some days off in the weeks ahead. This weekend will be four days off and i will resurrect the china project (and write the BLM and submit the photos!).


Tags: depression

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