E.G. (elainegrey) wrote,

I read in a friend's journal comments a thread about inflammation and depression. This got my attention knowing i consistently have lots of random chronic inflammations, in my lungs, on my skin (my biggest organ), probably my sinuses. There's still inflammation going on in my ankles due to the sprains. I wondered before, when i first started regularly treating the asthma and allergies and other irritations: if these had been addressed when i was a child, would depression have shaped so much of me?

I have wondered if one can get addicted to aleve or other NSAIDs. Now i can see a reason why they could make me feel so much better. And, oh my heavens, prednisone! I feel like i can do ANYTHING when i am on prednisone! I'm just suffused with energy. Coming down off it is the most horrible feeling: Icarus hitting the sea.


An iNaturalist person i follow posted an unidentified flower in the past day, which showed up in my daily mailing. One was clearly an asteraceae, and i was able to get its genus through a little analysis. I'm not highly confident of the genus, having learned how important some features unavailable in the picture are to the ID, and having basic features like size (is it a shrub or a low crawling plant or what?) and leaf shape unavailable, but i have a sense of some confidence and pleasure in zooming in on the ID.

I had a discussion a week ago with the incoming clerk of meeting (i'm to be associate clerk). He said that he found people needing him helped with his depression. I've heard that before, doing things for others, etc. Since then, i've had waves of self recrimination pass over me: "What are you doing about the Palestinians?!" "What are you doing about immigrant issues?" "Why do you only know of these things from twitter?" "Shouldn't you give more money to the New Underground Railroad, regularly?"

Honestly, being needed isn't helpful for me. Perhaps because one chunk of the depression lands with work and being a manager and feeling very needed. Over-needed. What helps is time for curiosity and creativity. Associate clerkship and then, if nominated, clerkship in the following year, is not going to satisfy any creativity and curiosity needs.

(Yesterday's career efforts: found random conservation master's degrees would run me on the order of $30k, looked at BLM jobs.)


Off to work, grabbing an NSAID on the way out.

Tags: depression, morning writing

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