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Depression, distraction, compassion [Apr. 1st, 2014|07:00 am]
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I do wonder where this blanket of blues has come from. It became palpable as i arrived home yesterday. The skies cleared and i tried to shake the blues off by getting a walk in and looking for rainbows.

All clean after the rain

The clear air, the crisp light, the saturation of colors due to the rain! My eyes were delighted.

As soon as i went back inside a weight fell back on me. To be early, and awaken: blanket is still there. I assume that some amount of it is feeling disappointed with myself with work progress. I want to avoid the queries at this time, but lets see if i can help pull myself out. Today's random choice is from here.

What do I need to do to prepare myself to be attentive to whatever way God chooses to reveal God-self? What are the potential distractions or obstacles that will hinder me from being aware or open to the movement of God?

Merghurrrmmmmm. Ugh.


At this point, Christine reads my body language and reaches over to pet my forehead and inquire. For me, that love and compassion is a Divine expression, That-Which-Is moving through time through us, and i tried to let my self soak it in. (Having just read the query, i was attentive: not sure how well i would have been earlier.)

The actual - not potential - distraction is my feeling guilt about not getting a very late commitment to my team completed. I will try to be compassionate with myself about this, and -- this reminds me of a practice i had some years back: framing my direction as "not care less" playing on "not careless" and "couldn't care less" while trying to find the balance. How do you keep a concern -- here, my failure to follow through with reasonably good excuses -- front and center so the pressure to address it stays motivating, yet not so much pressure that you paralyze yourself with guilt and depression? "Not care less" was a phrase i used to try to find the thin path between giving up and guilting up, a ridge that made treading through the muck of depression a little easier.

So, there -- that's my path for today.


[User Picture]From: bobby1933
2014-04-01 05:46 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
Good questions. I can use them.
Good comment on "not care less." I can use it.
I think my depression is "clinical" or "biological" or "cyclical." Sometimes i just have to acknowledge that, do the best job i can of "faking" compassion or interest, and wait for the cycle to complete itself. Anti depressants help a lot.
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From: bardcat
2014-04-01 07:59 pm (UTC)
Thank you for sharing this. I appreciate your vulnerability. Perhaps to be human is to have these moments, and especially since you are very competent in your work. I am glad you walked and I am glad Christine was there for you. The journey goes on.
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