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Moving at the Speed of Procrastination. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Sep. 10th, 2013|06:24 am]
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A good night's sleep, a phone call with someone about Meeting things which was dosed with praise for my listening skills and with laughter, some time with my beloved ... I'm on a much more even keel this morning. Forcing the toxic thoughts to print helps me to understand them, otherwise the thoughts of flit about under sheets of emotions, hiding their causes, and leaving black slime of their effect.

I had thought that much of the work this spring had distanced myself from all the tendrils of identification and sense of being trapped. It was surprising yesterday to see how a day that could easily result in thoughts of "This is so dysfunctional, i feel like we're all reenacting Sisyphus' punishment, and i'm certain there was deceit to be punished. How soon will i be able to leave this job? I'm going to do [action] at the end of the day." turned instead into thoughts just wanting everything to stop.

The old thought patterns are still in place, and i need to be more intentional about my chemical crutch. I think the cup off coffee earlier in the day -- right after the 1 pm meeting that really pushed me into the spiral -- would have helped. Instead, i had oreos, which didn't help.

Caffeine not sugar, caffeine not sugar!

I still can't figure out what got the morning off on such a wrong foot yesterday, such that i did not feel i could be intentional.

I'm starting today with journaling, and i will be intentional with my self care. I will not be here forever. I cannot rescue anyone other than myself. I cannot shield my team from all of the dysfunction. I am doing too much. I am not spreading the dysfunction. I am acting with integrity. I am acting with compassion.


[User Picture]From: bobby1933
2013-09-10 10:31 pm (UTC)
Nice to hear that today is better.
As a formerly suicidal person, the very word makes me shiver.
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[User Picture]From: elainegrey
2013-09-11 01:16 pm (UTC)
I'm fortunate i have never been that far on the path, but i've lived years in the place of constant thoughts of being dead, many of them the earliest in my memories. The discovery that i didn't have to live with those thoughts was an incredible relief for me.

I'm not sure how i should have content warned about that post: was it triggering for you? I'm very sorry if it was. I know you have much going on in your life where you are cherishing moments of life, and i hope i did not distress you beyond the shiver. (And even that, i regret.)
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[User Picture]From: bobby1933
2013-09-11 02:08 pm (UTC)
Oh! No! Nothing like that. No warnings or alerts required for my sake! People have enough to worry about without wondering how their reasonable expressions of their own feelings in their own journals might upset some sensitive souls. I had only intended a brotherly expression of empathy. Sorry if it came across otherwise. Love.
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[User Picture]From: elainegrey
2013-09-12 01:48 pm (UTC)
You didn't come across otherwise, but i had grown to worry i had written about the blues with overly alarming and dramatic terms given some other responses of concern and advice.

Empathy was all i think i needed at the time. I wrote honestly with a sense that other people wrestle with the same condition and witnessing that the darkness comes is helpful. THen the few "Get help" and "Please don't harm your self" reactions made me wonder how clearly i had communicated.

Maybe there's so much shame that to speak about it one must be in the greatest extremity?
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