I had thought that much of the work this spring had distanced myself from all the tendrils of identification and sense of being trapped. It was surprising yesterday to see how a day that could easily result in thoughts of "This is so dysfunctional, i feel like we're all reenacting Sisyphus' punishment, and i'm certain there was deceit to be punished. How soon will i be able to leave this job? I'm going to do [action] at the end of the day." turned instead into thoughts just wanting everything to stop.
The old thought patterns are still in place, and i need to be more intentional about my chemical crutch. I think the cup off coffee earlier in the day -- right after the 1 pm meeting that really pushed me into the spiral -- would have helped. Instead, i had oreos, which didn't help.
Caffeine not sugar, caffeine not sugar!
I still can't figure out what got the morning off on such a wrong foot yesterday, such that i did not feel i could be intentional.
I'm starting today with journaling, and i will be intentional with my self care. I will not be here forever. I cannot rescue anyone other than myself. I cannot shield my team from all of the dysfunction. I am doing too much. I am not spreading the dysfunction. I am acting with integrity. I am acting with compassion.
This is also posted at http://elainegrey.dreamwidth.org/469339.html .
