E.G. (elainegrey) wrote,

Spent some of yesterday feeling unhappy with how i have not stood up to New Director about his indirect management of my staffing. On the other hand, bandwidth was an issue last week and weeks before, and i've miraculously had some days of not being over-worked. That means some room to reflect.

I attended the midweek Meeting for Worship as i will do every other Wednesday through mid September. Hopefully, i'll have a habit then, and i will continue. This is where, in the silence, and reflecting on my concerns for numbers of folks, i began to see ways i could have pushed back.

I do recognize that my failure to fight poor management decisions doesn't negate that there are poor management decisions. My feelings of regret mark a transition in emotion and frame, i suspect, between feeling helpless and feeling empowered. In the midst of those long days and feeling as if there were no end, my creative capacity for solving management issues was diminished. Now that i've had a day or two of breathing room, my mind starts -- belatedly -- solving those issues. It's not something to stop, either, as if i have the solutions in mind, maybe i'll be able to recall them if the moment ever occurs again.

I am unclear in my mind how much energy i want to spend on coaching New Director to be better. Most of my emotional response is to give up, but that leaves me feeling very bitter. On the other hand, i don't feel like pouring emotional and relational energy into a relationship i don't want. This then leaves me worrying about how i may "appear." Since "appearances" seem to have driven some staffing decisions that i think are poorly made, if i "appear" to be the problem (and not New Director), i might become the target of other poor decisions.

off i go

originally posted at http://elainegrey.dreamwidth.org/461786.html
Tags: morning writing, work

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