||[Dec. 25th, 2012|01:18 pm]
The challenge at the end of this year:
I think part of what is feeling so unsettled about this end of year is that i feel very puzzled by the end of year, as if i've ended up here unintentionally. I suppose the "where has the time gone?" is a constant refrain for me, but this year seems different. I did do gifts for much of the extended family in a timely manner (my parents, not so much). But no Yule decorations and barely Thanksgiving decorations -- the wheel of the year through cross-quarter days and the equinox barely observed. No cards or greetings. I'm all turned inward on the work stuff.
The first half of the year was exuberant, on one level: i spent hours and hours with my camera and photo editing software and calflora.org. I hiked, i photographed, i spent whole Saturdays on the deck tagging photos. (I've since had all the photo tags screwed up by some process of importing and exporting.) On another level, i felt complacent. I did very little regarding my unhappy work situation other than pressing to get my title sorted out.
I switched medications in July, which is also the same time we went on a vacation with Christine's sister, her sister's husband, and her sister's husband's cousin. That vacation was not the most comfortable, and shortly after i was back east for my Grandfather's funeral. July seems swamped by that travel, and August and September seemed like catchup.
I'm pretty sure i was not taking the right dosage of the new medication in July and August: i can't remember when i realized that the meds were 12 hour pills, not 24 hours. Eventually i started taking them twice a day, but i suspect i was not treating the depression effectively. The advice to go on the 24 hour release Wellbutrin is probably worth all the time i've spent with the current therapist.
So the blur since the summer solstice: the darkening year? depression medications? framing? gathering some as yet unmeasured head of steam under me to fuel a huge change?
Oh, i will hope that is what it is: i will hope i have been gestating change.