April 21st, 2021


(therapy notes, garden, perpetual calendar)

At lunch yesterday a mixed swarm of mayflies and dragonflies were dancing in the sunlight of the back orchard. The tree canopy now creates shade for the back woods, and the noon sun spotlit the flies against the green-dark backdrop. Marlowe and Carrie were leaping up at the large, darting flies as they swooped low over their heads. A sun dapple splashed on a patch of pink and purple phlox at the base of a tree, making it look iridescent in the grass. It was a magical spring scene and we just drank it in.

In therapy, discussed how i know what i want to do. I *want* to play with the word *want* and try to replace all the times i think to myself i _must_, i _have to_, i _should_.
This is also posted at https://elainegrey.dreamwidth.org/849108.html .


K-- (who is Black, and lives in central Ohio) and i had a meeting at 4 pm yesterday, and she prefaced that she was watching CNN. She and i were on a call together on Jan 6th, as well, until i needed to get to a TV. Yesterday, K shared her anxiety as we waited for the verdict - feeling sick to her stomach - and we talked -- a spiritually framed distinction i'd heard between cure and heal, about the documentary Coded Bias, about how the sinks in the office don't turn the water on when shown the backs of her hands, only the lighter palms.

We got off the call shortly before the announcement of the verdict.

This morning, the NY Times included headlines of another police shooting of African American girl in Columbus, OH in the hour leading up to the verdict in George Floyd's murder. I believe five years ago it would have barely made local evening news. Now it makes national news, and white people like me must be aware of the paradigm of policing where the possibility someone could have a weapon is a cause for execution.

It was hard to figure how to reach out to K -- "I'm sorry to hear" sure doesn't cut it. But being a listener, listening to her tell me what she thinks and feels, and holding it, that's something i can do.

I have a hint of what it must be like to have to carry this type of news, day in and day out. It's a burden that i can put down far more easily than K-- (and i think of D--, also in the area, and send him a text).

The Justice department is investigating Minneapolis Police; will they also investigate Columbus? And Baltimore? What about all the tiny towns across America....
This is also posted at https://elainegrey.dreamwidth.org/849323.html .