May 4th, 2020


(explore west)

During worship, i had a sense of leaning my head into a lap/a large tree. "So tired," i thought to the Presence. And the Presence responded -- in a way i haven't experienced for some time -- a sense of support and care, a sense that i don't need to Do All The Things but that they will be done through me by the Presence.

In the moment it was incredibly comforting. In retrospect -- How?? How does that work? Can i stop making plans? Can i go back to sleep and my workday will be completed? Calls will be made to The Concerned Party at meeting?

I do not believe Divinity will make a puppet out of me. There may be moments when the Presence gives words, a message to share, but that never seems to be restful. I don't believe that is what that message for me meant. My sense this morning is that there is some sort of cognitive aikido available to me, some shift of mental weight that will reduce the sense of being so tired, and that the Insight was to draw my attention to it.

I think of Aikido and think of the need to be relaxed, alert, calm, centered, open. I think of how i dreamed of doing the rolls effortlessly, and the physical reality of bruises and a feeling like a tire made of a bunch of hard edges. I surmise that my physical being isn't quite as necessary in making this effortlessness offered a reality as in aikido. So i'll set aside the cracking joints.

I have some destinations for today: certain progress with the Terrifying project and the Surprise project. At the end of the workday, i need to go outside and make some progress mowing the high grass in the orchard. Maybe at lunch i can scatter the zinna and dahlia and sorghum seeds in preparation for rain tomorrow. Maybe i can adjust the settings on the mower at lunch as well. Can i make a batch of barley for lunch in the pressure cooker too?

[A couple hours later: feeling panic/distress about terrifying project. Procrastinatingish. Posting this so it is "done."]
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