May 25th, 2019


(no subject)

Yesterday the PET scan came back. The doctor focused my father on the good news. They caught the cancer early, there's just the two nodules in one lung. She suggests surgery may be sufficient.

But in the same report are continued findings about scarring and poor lung health. It's possible these reports aren't a big deal, but i can't help but think that the scarring reported is going to complicate matters.

As i told my sister: i think Mom is capable of dealing with mortality. I don't think she's capable of dealing with complicated and uncomfortable medical procedures.

I took Friday off because i was emotionally drained by the news. My body is pretty distressed. The grief washes over me when i think about it. I am comfortable with most of the grief, but there are little bits of bitterness when i worry about Dad. When i follow the thread of the bitterness, it comes from mental falsehoods, learned ways of blaming others, a way of telling the story of now that isn't true or helpful. That helps me drain away the bitterness. I do wonder if those bitter thoughts, the blame (echoes from watching and listening to my mother's bitterness as a child) are a defense against pain.

It's surprising how bitterness distracts me from the clean ache. I hurt: let me blame someone. So i hurt, i recognize my dad hurting too, and i want to blame. Dad, right after he talked to doctors, blamed particles of asbestos from the submarines my grandfather worked on, being inhaled by mom as she hugged him when he came home. That's quite a little vignette, a tableau to hold in the mind, never mind that my grandfather wasn't very hug oriented. In Dad's pain, he found a story to blame for the cancer.

--== ∞ ==--

I feel frustrated at the time slipping by. I'm not doing yard work! committee work! work work! I'm trusting i'm doing what i need to do. Today i had lunch with Mom and Dad, and a assisted when Mom practiced walking. (Walking!)

I did finish reading Apothecary Melchior and the Mystery of St Olaf's Church by Indrek Hargla, set in medieval Tallinn. I don't know how much was lost in translation, and i am not sure i would read the other one that was available on Kindle except that i have already bought it. It did make for a pleasant way to learn about the Old City and the history of an area i know little about.

My brother's wife and her parents have are members of a Muslim community in Santa Clara county. They've been trying to get a mosque built for years, but have been blocked by various regional NIMBY engagements. After the first round, where fairly strong anti-Muslim folks used environmental concerns to challenge, the community decided to do an environmental impact report at great expense -- the type report required for much larger projects. The impact report found little for concern as long as mitigations were followed. The location is not an environmentally sensitive area -- no one is saying, "What about the plant or bug or lizard or bird." It's more, "What about the traffic? It's big for our little unincorporated area." And there seems to be some freaking out about people being buried in the cemetery following the Muslim practices. To which i scrunch up my face and ponder whether the same folks complaining refrain from burying their pets on their own land. It just doesn't seem likely.

I hope that by following the consultant's advice to plan big, it's given the community the room to reduce the size of the project and still have a satisfactory result. I think of the bickering in my county over various development projects. I am sure some of the complaints in Santa Clara are honest "keep rural areas rural," if i judge by the vociferous contention here. But here, at least, the invocation of great blue herons and eagles and the large trees do seem to be much more environmental, than the semi-agri-industrial area complaints in Santa Clara.