May 13th, 2019

blackhat

Quiet weekend

There were ups and downs with the weekend, but mostly i cruised along. Outside i mowed until the mower battery gave way and then used the string trimmer to edge before the moderate rain we received on Saturday evening. I glanced at the totals folks on the Gulf coast got on Thursday and saw one county where there were two reports of over 9 inches.

Christine worked on some music for a CCMixter challenge where one is assigned another's samples to use in a composition. She started the year making compositions for birthdays, but the week of my birthday things got a little chaotic. I'd worried that she was letting herself get "backed up" by that, so i was delighted that she dedicated this as a belated birthday composition: http://ccmixter.org/files/PerchanceMusic/59734

We celebrated my folks 54th anniversary with dinner at a nearby fish place. It was Mom's first meal out since her stroke. I fear she over-indulged on fried food. I spent time with Mom on Sunday, and Dad went upstairs and had a talk with a friend. I was particularly glad Dad took time during my visit for a break like that.

My sister had taken her to church in the morning, and Dad had taken that time to clean house. My mother's comment about seeing the tidy bedroom was so judgemental and critical. I debriefed a bit when i was home with Christine: mom's current obsession with tidiness is probably a reaction to her being unable to control her own environment. Heavens knows she's certainly gone long periods with stuff stacked up in places as she had much to do. She doesn't realize, i don't think, the asymmetry in Dad's time and hers. Not only is he helping her with therapy, exercises, and bodily needs but he has his own needs plus care for the whole household. How much is lack of comprehension and cognitive gap and how much is her unrelenting critical frame for my father? I suspect a good deal is cognitive, but the long history of criticism colors the experience.

I'm hoping i've laid a good groundwork for less procrastination self torture this week.

blackhat

Procrastination notation

Started late due to getting off a call with my sister at 8:15. She tends to anxiety (like our mother) and was very anxious about our parents. The root of the trouble seems to be something her son said to her about how busy she is as part of his very teenage, callously expressed but fundamentally compassionate mother's day wish. I was in a good spot to talk her down from her alarm about our parents and to comfort her about her overwhelm.

Then i read the internet, not even all, but left a long comment about plants.

Similarly, last night i wrote in praise of my favorite native grass and this morning got a belated condition monitoring report (mainly list of plants in bloom) out this morning.

In the background i have been building up the work angst, while thinking a little about depression vs anxiety. I eventually made friends with my depression. I'm not sure i could make friends with anxiety. Admittedly the self doubt i have been grappling with is a type of anxiety, but it seems to take a different form than the type i watch others grapple with.

Around 10:30, i dug into work, and it's 6:30 pm and i am still going. It's lovely outside and i did move to the porch to enjoy the fresh air.