April 11th, 2016

blackhat

(no subject)

It's fifteen minutes into my do my most important **work** thing slot ... and i want to write. I haven't written for days.....

Top of mind is that this past week has been "off." I have a multitude of excuses:

1) Christine has been back in NC, and
2) The home we're under contract to buy was inspected Thursday, and
3) there's now six weeks until we move

but also

4) i forgot my meds two days in a row, and
5) i was drinking green tea (which is apparently caffeine deficient), and
6) one day last week i had very interrupted sleep.

This morning, when i was awake at 2 am, i dreaded that i would have another day with interrupted sleep. I was up for a few hours, then printed some paperwork. The running printer apparently woke Greycie Loo who came to snuggle me back to sleep. Good cat! Except for where she uses one sharp claw to get you to move into just the right position for her to settle down: ouch!

--== ∞ ==--

I saw my brother last night. I think he is comfortable sharing the stresses of his 21st century marriage with me -- i don't know who else he has to talk to. (I'll have to check with my seeester to see if he also shares with her.) They appear to have a fairly traditional marriage, with him in the high powered job and her taking care of the kids and doing volunteer legal work. They aren't, however, traditional, and it's not what they want. I called him on it though: they jointly prefer the security of his income more than what would be satisfying and meaningful. I hope it was helpful to say things out loud: i'm sure i didn't tell him anything he doesn't know, he just gets trapped in a mental circle of seeing external forces making him/them not have the life they want.

Hmm. Wow, that's familiar. How horrible a sister would i be if i pointed out it's the pattern our mother modeled for us? (Saying "you're being like Mom" is not a compliment between us siblings.)

--== ∞ ==--

I've retired from Meeting, pretty much. I have a huge backlog of associate clerk email to go through. So many people are saying such nice things. How does one gracefully accept the "we're happy for you and sad for us because you do so much?" I will attend the after meeting lunch so people can talk to me and will let a friend have a small party. Really, i would prefer to just fade out.

This has been a lesson for me in my shyness and how it affects my sense of connectedness. I have seen tears in friends eyes, and i'm shocked that they feel so strongly about me. People have taken the time to write wonderfully tender notes. I feel on one hand i'm a rotten person because i don't reach out to people like that when they leave: am i so self centered?

Yet, i feel like the real lesson is that there is a a very big difference between how i see myself (mousy and invisible) and the reality. I'm not sure WHAT the reality is, but i don't think i am as invisible or peripheral as i think i am. It's an unsettling feeling.

....

and as tears well up i'm pretty sure that i've been avoiding thinking about this for some weeks. I know i have been avoiding the email.

I don't know what to say.

--== ∞ ==--

Gratuitous librarian fun: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLaWsjv92E0&feature=youtu.be

blackhat

Thankfulness

There is so much for me to be thankful for.

I am thankful that Christine and i planned ahead about where we wanted to live, and were prepared for the rent increase. Having the energy and time to make such plans can be hard. We made decisions in a less pressured context, and so when the trigger event occurred, we were ready. It seemed so easy.

I'm thankful that my employer wants me to be happy, and that i can take my job with me.

I'm thankful i've spent the resources on healing the brokenness and pain i felt with respect to my mother and my growing up. I don't entirely know how the healing happened, but i'm able to respond to her with compassion now. I worry -- not part of a thankfulness exercise -- about her mental and cognitive health. I am thankful to be there with her now, with the capacity to hold space for her.

I'm not sure i'm thankful about my sprained ankle, but i am aware that it was waiting for Christine to pick me up -- because i did not feel like walking -- that gave me the time to see that this house has gone on the market. I'm glad i saw it then: the offers came in fast and furious on the place.

I'm glad my Dad is someone i can trust to help sort out home maintenance questions.

I'm thankful Christine had this trip lined up, so that we didn't have to pay a short notice air fare for her to see the place.

I'm glad Christine feels ease and clarity about using her inheritance from her mother towards the new home and the move. I can imagine a conflicted heart about moving back now, not before, but that doesn't seem to be there.