February 11th, 2013

blackhat

(no subject)

It's light outside, and i noticed on Thursday that the sky was still twilit as i drove to a 6:30 pm meeting. We're now in the rapid rate change in the sine wave of day length. Thus the biannual disruption of daylight savings time must be approaching, and i am disappointed to see that it occurs at the beginning of my March trip east.

Well, Blondie, can't you come up with something you are happily anticipating?, I think, as i slide the "health notes" and "mental frame notes" down, getting those grumpy accounts out of the way.

I have a recurring "Robinson Crusoe"-esque daydream, set on some Earthlike but alien planet, in a glacier carved valley high on a plateau. I also have a similar "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" daydream, sometimes set in the lowlands of that alien planet. During meeting, my mind drifted to thoughts of whether i could make fish skin leather with primitive materials and how, if marooned, one might try tapping all species of trees to see what useful substances could be obtained. As i pulled back from those thoughts, i wondered why this is such a persistent daydream for the first time: inventiveness, experimentation, and curiosity were my answers.

I want a job where i can explore many questions. I don't think i need to be a primary contributor, per se, i'm sure that the ease with which i can imagine tapping a forest of trees could only be actual if someone else did the real work. The identification of the opportunity, the chance to observe the experimental results, tweaking, and then on to something else. Leave the production processing to someone else.

When my mind drifts in Meeting it also drifts to fiber, and i find myself designing or solving problems in projects. When i think of making a living from such a thing ... i can't. But i realize it is the same mental energy that the daydreams tickle: inventiveness and experimentation.


Health notes: Collapse )

Mental frame notes: Collapse )

blackhat

(no subject)

(Monday) It's a lovely cloudless day. I had plenty of sunshine pouring into my cube all morning, and now i can look out aon the sunlit parking lots and buildings, with urban trees lining streets and punctuating the lots. most are bare, although one west facing tree seems to have new green, while other broad leaved but evergreen trees have foliage with a slight red hue.

I stopped at the water feature this morning, but didn't see any birds but coots and an egret in the distance. No bufflehead or ruddy duck diving, no redhead or mergansers in the inlet, no mallards or Canadian geese.

In the evening there was a distant diving duck at the water feature. At the inlet there was a tiny diving bird. From my previous attempts to stalk it and get close enough to identify it, i have taken to calling it "the shy grebe." It seems very aware of my approach: the ripple-rings of the briefly surfacing bird create a connect the dots in a line that goes away from me. I try approaching from behind posts but it's a rather alert bird.

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This morning i attended to go to the team meeting of another engineering director, but i could not will myself in front of the video screen at 7 am. If it had been a call i might have been able to do it. Shifting to east coast time before the weekend's travels is not a bad idea, but it's been so long since i've joined that conference call.... I just want to slip in the back row, and it's hard to do that when the video image is going to be only of yourself.

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I had a wave of depression wash over me yesterday. In my surprise, i fought it off with a candy bar. Only after i'd consumed half of the sugar drug did i remember i was using coffee instead. I have tried talking to the psychiatrist about the caffeine use and depression. Instead of a collaborator in solving my body's chemical mysteries, i feel i am talking to a basic reference resource. "We recommend that caffeine consumption be cut," yadda yadda yadda, instead of investigating the observations.

I wonder about seeing an endocrinologist recommended by my somatic experiencing therapist at some point. She had recommended it when i described how well i have felt when on prednisone. I've had the usual thyroid tests, and i think the main thing my Evidence Driven Care clinical system cares about is diabetes.