||[Sep. 24th, 2017|03:24 pm]
Hi incomplete sentence, i see you now.
I've no idea what i was surprised about yesterday.
It looks like autumn. I went out for maybe 15 minutes. It's not hot, but i am dripping wet. Ah, i've calibrated. Apparently it is, "85°, Feels like 86°" outside. I was mowing with the reel mower, so that's some exertion.
I called my Grandmámá this morning, after examining some of my "oughts" in therapy this past Wednesday. I ought to call her, i tell myself, because i want her to know i care about her. But 9 am -- which is apparently the good time to call her -- comes and goes with my attention on other things. Just before Hurricane Irma, i decided Sunday mornings would be good. It's not a work day, but since i'm headed off to Meeting it's not as fluid and Christine-focussed as Saturdays.
So i called, and it *is* a good time to talk to her, because we actually talked for almost a half hour. She shared stories she's shared before, but new ones too.
I was talking with "oughts" with my therapist because I want to thrive. My therapist asked, have i ever ... thriven?
(thrives, thriving; past throve |THrōv| or thrived; past participle thriven |ˈTHrivən| or thrived) from Old Norse thrífask, reflexive of thrífa ‘grasp, get hold of.’
We talked a little about college, when "adulting" was novel and i was successful at it. Now i reflect on bad habits that could be graduating from college, i ache when i see Christine trampled by elephants again.  ... and since i am committing to examining my thoughts for distorted thinking -- even if i have procrastination habits that are decades old, i have also gone through periods of success and vibrant creativity. It will happen again.
Leaving my therapist, i thought about Laughingrat and her frustrations with cognitive therapy. There is a frame where "I'm thinking wrong" is just one more thing wrong with yourself, and it's so easy to stand in that relationship with the distorted thinking practice. I don't think i could successfully do this work if it wasn't for some of the far more somatic work i did some years back. I'm learned then how to have compassion for myself in a way that's hard to describe. In a way, i think Noelle coached me in a mindfulness practice that never mentioned the mind and focused on my body. This practice with disordered thinking will, i hope, be another mindfulness practice, this time focusing on my mind.
 For new readers, to give my spouse Christine some privacy and to yet talk about my experience of her experience, i refer to what's going on with her as "elephants," as in "the elephant in the room."