I'm happy i seem to be feeling better this morning.
I'm not happy with the federal government's negotiations for bases in Colombia: i'd really hate to see US forces caught up in some of the deceit used by the Colombian military and intelligence forces. My sympathies lie with civilian populations who refuse to support the paramilitary (which have strong ties to the military) and the rebels, who get caught between.
I ponder the two hours i've spent awake, checking and responding to a few personal emails, reading LJ. I chatted briefly with my parents about my flight arrival late Friday, and my Mom burbled her plans for my visit. There's some emotional resonance there to pick at.
Birthdays and my grandparents loom in my mind: i don't keep track, keep in contact as i wish i did. How to balance the community i live in with the ones i wish to keep connected? (But i'm not, really....)
Asthma is really bothering me. I find myself out of breath on conference calls, the walk to the grocery store was troubling. None of this is life threatening. (i know other asthma sufferers have a very different experience than this "cough variant.")
Sleep was adequate, but despite feeling very worn down, i had a hard time getting to sleep.
I'm hauling walking shoes to the office. Nope, i'll wear them. I've some very comfortable slides, but i don't think they'll hold up to walking back. I was going to tote the walking shoes, but nevermind.
One of these days i'll come to peace with my variable number of spoons and will be OK with it, but it's apparently not today. I asked for nutritionist recommendations from a number of venues, and one friend replied that i could just do it* myself. (*Figure out the elimination diet elements)
I'm thankful for the cloudscapes yesterday, the surprise of rain, the way northbound 17 has such a great valley view at the intersection of 85. I'm thankful for the companionship of the cats and that the addition of Mr E is not disrupting the other cats, particularly. I'm grateful for the garden, and the sun light that pours onto the deck, and how lovely it is to leave things in that light to dry and freshen. I am delighted with the local climate, the wonderful summer weather.
I probably should have a massage when i get back from traveling, and i'm thankful that's a choice i can make. I'm pretty sure i was depressed this weekend, with stress from last week and the anticipation of this week's travel unresolved.
The usual "whining" or my brain, why can i not bend it to my will?
Observation: thinking about doing something to "cure" the asthma, allergies, psoriasis, canker sores, headaches, sense of malaise, lack of energy and probably the depression too makes me very blue. What the hell is that about?
Cure is in quotation marks because i'm not certain i can "cure" this in the typical Western medical sense. I am thinking more of identifying life "style" changes: currently, food. I am not interested in giving up the cats or the (dusty) books. I'm slowly making other dust stopping changes, but i don't believe i'll ever have the level of clean needed to truly affect any dust triggers. Since i expect the cats are another traditional allergen, i could be free of dust and still have triggers.
I'm pretty sure that attempting a diet evaluation is the Right Thing and that the blues are because it looms ahead of me like going up the Baker Beach sand ladder. Someone's Flickr photo of looking down the sand ladder is to the right. It's hard to get a sense of going up it from the photos, because the seemingly infinitely distant sky prevents you from gauging the distance, unlike this photo where the tiny ant-like people help you gauge just how far down it is to the beach.
The ladder is featured in the modern Escape from Alcatraz Triathlon. Wikipedia says "400 uneven log steps."
Edward is chewing on my toes through the sheets. He still has a good instinct for kitteny play. He did disappear yesterday morning, and it turns out he did (does) have another fan in the complex. We've made contact with her, but i still worry about his roaming once the collar is off. All the kitties want to go out. Cone comes off tonight, i leave for the east coast very early on Tuesday.
I've spent much of the morning searching for a nutritionist. I think i will try to put some effort towards intervention. I could do interviews and a food diary in August, actual diet change in September into October. Much later and SAD and flu season could affect results.
As i've read many websites of practitioners associated with National Association of Nutrition Professionals (NANP) today, i find myself feeling depressed and cynical. A friend starts a chat:
R: [friend] says that he's suspicious of any food that he particularly likes or wants Me: That's one theory -- that the cravings are related to triggered sensitivity reactions. R: exactly, "if I crave it it must be bad for me." Me: That goes against the "i can trust my body" lesson i've been learning, so if i do this on my own i'll definitely have a huge cognitive struggle. On the other hand, so many of these nutritionists' websites seem evangelistic with respect to "whole foods cure everything" -- and we *do* eat a good deal of whole foods.
Yesterday's picnics were lovely, despite the surprising midafternoon occurrence of a smattering of raindrops. Incredibly localized, so the date will likely be recorded as having no rain in the area. Friends had good conversation, good bread. Seeing my sister-in-law was a little odd, as she had encountered friends from Beijing. They chatted about their Beijing friends, the exodus back to home countries as companies reduce size in the recession, school gossip, and so on. It was somewhat enlightening just to overhear. I'm reminded of my impression of 19th century British colonialists in India and other countries: both a smallness and narrowness of community. The numbers of people in the community are small and "everybody knows everybody's business," and the community is populated by a fairly homogeneous group of people: similar corporate employers, similar family situations. I wonder how hard it is to connect back to people outside of that milieu. I know how hard it is for me to connect back to my mom and extended family at times just with a life that centers around the virtual plane.
Awoke early, to Mr E's plaintive cries. I'm thankful for the morning time, thankful we've taken in such a sweet tame creature. (Our cats are so wild, comparatively.) Digital correspondence and reading until the 7 am conference call. I'm thankful that the other prerequisite projects clearly will not be done in time. Also, i loved having Christine up, giggling at some of the call. After, Christine & i went to Hobees. The service came to a screeching halt -- almost as if there were some sort of drama happening in the kitchen for a bit -- and then resumed. It was entertaining to speculate on what happened, and my mood perked up quickly as i got food in my system. From there to the pet store and CostCo and the grocery. Home with a new external *rugged* hard drive for my lap top and much bird food. Christine turned around and took Mr E to the vet for re-suturing. I restored some disk images on the second living room hard drive (a to-do task since sometime in May) and our media library is back. I also ran some laundry, washing the dyed fabric for the final rinse and the cat marked towels and throw rugs from Mr E's adaptation to indoor life.
i felt i should be doing work or Meeting work, but ended up doing much housework. I dusted! The kitchen is mopped! Microfiber cloths are amazing on stainless steel in the kitchen.
This evening, i did not have something out of the house, so Christine went to get Mr E back while i fixed dinner. We watched Star Trek & ate, hen we fiddled with some tech for a bit.
I'll take tomorrow morning's 8 am conference call at home. I'm a bit anxious about the training week and travel next week, but i know all will be well in the big picture. I just suspect i will metaphorically stub my toe often oer the next few days. Aversion, perhaps, instead of anxiety.
Cats growling at each other -- hope i can get a good night's sleep!
A mix of things on my mind tonight, as I suffer mental irritation (where did the time go?!) and physical irritation (canker under my tounge, psorisis flaring).
* regret that I did not listen with compassion to a Friend expressing a concern about the reading of queries (and ambivalence because of his ministry about how carefully he chooses his words in ministry & what he tries to communicate in his ministry. Ego, ego ego. But I should have listened better.)
* comfort with the support I felt from that which Is when I read the queries
* Delight with all the color in my life
* frustrated with myfrustation with time... Wishing I could be more focussed on flow
* renewing intention to prepare for meeting by carrying concerns
* renewing intention to focus on gratitude - need to find that Buddhist prayer/practice
* thankful the cats aren't too put out by the addition of Mr E - Edward, we think.
Color & christine & crochet - calming spatia reasoning and stitch-breaths - yogut pies, home made sweet & sour sauce with steamed veggies.
Friday morning is a dim fog (and was midday Saturday)
Nope. Can't remember. Hmm, Christine did go see the doctor, and while she was out i had been crocheting...
I know we had hoped to run errands early and then collect Mr E at the appointed time of 12:30, but instead we collected him first after making "I Need a Forever Home" poster to leave at the vet.
After collecting Mr E, had a bite to eat and a bit of time at the computer and then went out to run errands. The hardware store stop included a variety of things for the dye project and lights and a fan for the cat isolation ward. Also a florescent "shop light" that i hope i can use to read by in the bath, and thus not run the inseparable light+fan combination during my soaks with books. In the paint section there was a set of three nested plastic buckets with measurement gradations and tight fitting lids. I also found shot glasses that had teaspoon and tablespoon gradations that have been useful.
I went into Michael's and ended up with two crochet books: more squares (which is why i went in) and an edging book. While there are loads of motifs on the web, i like charts -- and there aren't that many charts. I also made a impulse purchase of a miniature bird bath for Christine who worries where our birds drink. I'm not sure it's going to be a real help, but such is the nature of impulse purchases. With regards to the "200 Crochet Blocks for Blankets, Throws, and Afghans" ( grumbling about a book with which i am quite satisfied )
Finally, i was at the grocery store to get fixings for yogurt pies (no crusts, though) and Christine's antibiotic for her bite.
Home, to mix up the dyes in the evening light. This is the OSHA focus time in this project as the powders are reputed to be lung irritants and to build up chemical sensitivities. So, a simple respirator (purchase), goggles (because i had them), etc made me look like a mad scientist and sound like Darth Vader.
I don't recall Friday evening, particularly, either. Overnight, Christine had cat sitting duty as Mr E was yowling in solitary. I spent the morning with him, reading the Palin Vanity Fair article and catching up on LJ. At 9 am i joined friends for drip coffee at Palo Alto's branch of Philz Coffee ("We wouldn’t even call this a cup of coffee; rather 'A Cup of Love.'") wherein i actually had coffee, the Turkish mix that was first on the menu, and an almond croissant. As everyone left at 10 for parade watching, i left to return home to lavender and emerald dyes. A plan was taking shape in mind for a tank top.
Dyed (post to come behind much cut), lunch and crochet, made and sampled yogurt pies, more dye, dinner, the annual watching of Jaws, rinsing out the blue dye, and to bed. We let Mr E out late afternoon and once he was placed on the couch next to Christine, he didn't move. The other cats are in a bit of a snit.
Apparently Christine again had a wee hours of the morning comforting session with yowly Mr E (who was back in solitary overnight). I woke for six am feeding and let Mr E have his food in an open bathroom. All the cats seem to need two yard radius "personal space" zones.
Since Christine is a much more strict vegetarian than i, we had a long chat about using the gelatin in the house with the yogurt pies. I made one per recipe with two packets of gelatin, and the other i tried to make with tapioca. I think it will need experimentation.
In this age of connections and communication, i'm glad i found out about Bonnie Tinker's death at Friends General Conference Gathering through a direct message at Facebook, and not one of the tweets. I'm not close to Bonnie, but i can't imagine what it would be like to find out in 140 characters, especially if you were simply following the hash tag for the gathering -- in which case you may not know the person posting the 140 characters. However, there's something meaningful to scroll through tweets from the conference: Bonnie wasn't the only serious injury so far -- someone else has been taken to the hospital after a skateboarding injury.
While i don't think of being a Friend as safe at all, i never really thought any of the risks might be mitigated by helmets. (Which is not to say either Friend was not wearing a helmet: i do not know.)
Bonnie meant much to the LGBTQ movement in Oregon and the Northwest of the US, working with schools for respect and support for children with same sex parents since 1988, and until her death vice-chair of the Sexual Minority Parents Advisory Group. Since the early 90's she's been involved in a number of ways, leading discussion about gay and lesbian relationships. I hadn't known she was a radio talk show host for a while. Imagining a Quaker as a radio talk show host certainly leads immediately to the comic for me, remembering the general horror of 'Dead Air,' but i suspect it was a venue she was able to turn to thoughtful and compassionate ends.
I posted this in the LJ Quakers community
I'd only met Bonnie once, at the FLGBTQC gathering in Portland in February. I'd seen her posts to the lists and had begun to know her a little better in Facebook. I had been clear from my early impressions that Bonnie's way of being with others in this world was one of compassion and integrity. I know many others must have known her more deeply and are much more touched by the loss and grief. I know Bonnie's immediate family has been contacted, her spouse and son are headed to Virginia to join her daughter(s).
“Hey there this voice post is for ___ this is a soda review. The soda I'm reviewing is an Indian Soda called Thumbs Up and was available in the cafeteria downstairs in my office building with their Indian ___ lunch observance. I no big soda fan so I really can't compare anything in particular about it. It was kinda like a cola the ingredients were water, sugar, food coloring and food acid and so it was cola colored and appeared to at least be made by a subsidiary of Coca Cola. The bottle itself looked like it had been recycled over and over and one wonders if they are gonna ship the bottle back to India to cycle it through another time. I guess I doubt that. The other thing with this cafeteria downstairs has is all the time they have fresh backlava(?). So I was not able to resist ordering the regular backlava(?) partly out of sympathy for the woman run runs the cafeteria and probably only sees people on Thursday with the Indian troupe. Her backlava(?) was fine and also has sugar in it. So I have a bit of a sugar rush and that's the only thing rushing. I'm stuck in traffic on 101. The email system crashed so I figured it was time to go home and it seems like everybody else has decided to go home early today in anticipation of the 4th of July observe tomorrow. So hope ya'll are having a great day bye.”
Me: we need the c libraries that go with kernel 2.2 but LSB would be better. Systems Person: OMG you need 2.2 we can't cope schedule HUGE meeting in the distant future. Me: no, we *don't* need 2.2 Me: do we really need a meeting in the far distant future? Systems: Yes because OMG you need 2.2 Me: no, we don't. Systems person: "If product and development indicate we do not need 2.2 kernel to build and maintain [thing], then I have no objections" Me: what am i, chopped liver?
In the good news department, Christine is playing Night Czar in the household, helping manage and nag and encourage me to *do* instead of flump on the couch and let the day drain away. I know part of what happens is that the pressure (impulse, motive) drops from what work produces, and and all i have left is a little bit for crochet or wandering around on the internet. I'm asking her for coaching help, and it's working. We also proposed a concrete morning pattern for the kettle time, which should help with a little bit of housework.
I suppose this is part of re-Mothering myself. The patterns of housework and habit that one ideally learns as a child didn't take with me for a variety of reasons. Some of the antipatterns i learned i see also in my sister: a sense of overwhelming stress that certain duties must be done and must be done perfectly in order to have the most attractive appearance to visitors, to the extent that personal well-being and family well-being take a distant second in priority. That antipattern keeps the "keep everything you might need" antipattern at bay, to some extent, without dealing with the root of it.
The "appearances before psychological and physical well-being" antipattern i've pretty much rejected, with some residual irrational focus on the rug of the apartment. I am now tabula rasa and need to replace the antipattern with good patterns. It takes time with a kid: presumably i'll be a quicker study, except i'm barely attending to it. The "cruft and clutter" antipattern is one i've been aware of -- slow slow progress. But i think it is progress.
Microscopic progress on changing my slide into complete sedentary lifestyle as well.
I'd forgotten my plan to do an exclusion diet, but a colleague asked after whether i was pursuing any alternative therapies for my obviously less than stellar physical health. He may know a nutritionist who might be good to work with. I take that as a gift to remind me of my desire to tackle a elimination or exclusion diet.
Evening Review Give thanks, share beauty, note joy: The moon hanging in the afternoon blue sky. (No joy with the opaque air obscuring the hills and the heaviness in my chest) Vanilla ice cream and honey floating in peach tea Lunch with L-J and P-C Sharing my worries with Christine on the bench before leaving for work.
Noteworthy events (dining out, errands, correspondence): Christine's sister D & brother L broke the news to their mom that she will be moving into an assisted living facility soon. Christine mourns, partly because it's the end to any "home" in NC, she says.
Left work early to come home for a nap. Stressed by my morning worries about the month to come, but also feeling pretty unwell.
I'm working on my monthly report this morning. I'm feeling frightened: the two major goals ahead of me this month are massive. Each would daunt me: together... But, the utility of this exercise is obvious: I can see the challenge now, before i get in the midst of it. I can plan how to take care of myself.
* I have time off scheduled. If i am working at high intensity during the week, the long weekends should help.
* I will make sure my boss knows my concern and i will schedule time to talk with him -- and use it.
* I need to remind myself that "perfection", control, etc are illusions.
* I just wrote an email to the support committee for one of my volunteer roles, because there is a management vacuum with that role that is sucking me in.
Taking Friday off was a good thing. I feel shifted to a better place, although i'm not really sure how i managed it. Housework has started back up a bit, despite the heat. I started a painting. The hassock cosy has 3.5 squares to go on the top before i start piecing it together. The altered shirt has an ironed crease where i need to hem. My "morning writing" was not as articulate as i might have liked, but it did go to a deeper place than i have recently.
There's nothing on my immediate life horizon (other than significant challenges at work) that stands out particularly. Christine will travel to NC to help her siblings relocate her mother to a assisted living facility: i will stay home and keep the cats company. I've scheduled a number of four day weekends and find my mind turning to renting a rug cleaner (although i may do that when Christine is out of town).
The heat of this weekend probably "excuses" me from worrying about my physical condition which is extremely sedentary. That is something i must address.
Crochet has me in front of video entertainment. We watched "Grand Turino" last night, which was wonderful if rough. I've been watching "The Tudors," hoping that the general historical elements of the period are more accurate than not, while i know the story line has liberal edits. Christine had gotten "Daniel Boone" from Netflix: wikipedia helped there just as with "The Tudors." I also watched the first episode of "Buck Rogers" and find the series strangely compelling.
The usual evening cooling did not occur overnight, with a drop to our average high as the sun went down, and that held for some hours and then another slight drop in the pre dawn. The temperature is on the rise again. The forecast is for 101°F: i'm disappointed we weren't able to pull the temperature down in the apartment overnight. I suppose we'll go see a movie to escape and hang out in library or restaurant with wifi AND air conditioning.
Yesterday morning i wrote, " I am delighted, DELIGHTED, the 6 am Wednesday call is cut. " But then, there was another 6 am meeting.
There's much with the work i do i'm finding irritating. But when i go to rant, i realize, it's my job. if everything ran smoothly, i'd not need to do anything. Unfortunately, since all my projects have significant boundry crossing functions right now -- department boundaries, oceanic boundaries -- as well as a collection of special cases, new collaborations, new processes -- there's a great deal of turbulence.
....
I spent the evening watching an animated Batman, Hancock (good, with an odd ending), and an episode of that British vet sitcom, doing crochet with a size 8 hook (that would be small).
I miss writing. Not sure whats up with it.
Both Christine and i think we're under the weather. we both also have tooth/jaw aches. Could there be some lymph node or gland inflamed?
Evening Review Give thanks, share beauty, note joy: Rosy dawn, ripening tomato, Greycie Loo is made of boing and plays with abaondon with a dragged string, avacado and sprouts in a soft tortilla hits the spot. And little little stitches soote something in my mind.
Groggy brain. Once upon a time i was a morning person, my mind rev'ed to high gear upon waking. No matter the actual weather, my mind was filled with bright clarity in the morning. Now days it seems i'm mud minded and it's a struggle to awaken. This has been going on since i had the horrible reaction in Dec 2001. I thought it was the antihistamines i was taking, i thought it was stress, now i think it's simply allergies.
The hotel room was quite allergen free, i think. No cats, no books, no fresh air.
This morning i wrote a few emails about working as website editor on the LGBTQ friends website: one to the person who is managing and caring for us, one to my co editor. I saw a tweet about another conference, digital humanities 2009, and have started following it, expecting that on Friday i'll harvest the tweets and munge them a bit. There seem to be more than at last week's conference, and i find they make me far more curious: "Hacking as a way of knowing (new experience of Levi-strauss' bricolage)"
Two things: one, i currently have 3.5 weeks of vacation accrued, plus two use-or-loose personal days. I have generous vacation benefits, and i recognize this accrued vacation is a type of savings and slight insurance buffer against layoff and illness. On the other hand, i need to schedule some rest and some time to focus on our home. An uncertainty is Christine's need to travel to NC in the next couple months to help with her Mom: she's just confirmed that i should stay here and hold the fort. So, i'm left with family travel over a long period around Thanksgiving.
I think i'll take: * this Friday * the Monday after the 4th ( 6 Jul) * July 24 & 27 (another 4 day weekend) * Aug 14 & 17
The other: I'm going to say "yes" to focus for a few months, which means saying "no" more often.
Focus on work, on catching up, on home, and on creating.
* library committee * home cleaning -- a rug cleaning * weekly ritual/habits/patterns, like "Tuesday is Laundry Day"
* I'm "full" with Friends' responsibilities
There's perhaps more to ponder here, but must dash.
iDisk went awol during committee meeting, backup was not to be found. Slight panic. I swear Mac switched from dmg to a sparse image this morning and that caused my scare.
Phone calls to Dad involved talking to my Mom and bad mental connections between us. I really wasn't in a mood to follow.
Physically not happy. Toothache maybe. GI unhappiness.
Skies were the most amazing piercing blue. just amazing. The sun came in to the living room through the window by the door, the anglar difference between tonight's solstice sunset and the equinox is striking.
Tomorrow will be better, i hope.
Crocheted doodles with a tiny hook and #10 thread. Very relaxing.
